Maintain Safety
There are three ingredients to maintaining safety:
- Confidence: We often can say what we want to everyone except the
person we are thinking about (e.g. complaining to everyone about a
person). we need confidence to:
- Believe our opinion is valuable
- Speak openly without brutalizing others
- Humility: Confidence should not lead to arrogance. We need to realize the other person may have an opinion you have not considered and you may not have the whole truth nor need to win. Your opinions are the start - and not the final word.
- Skill: Being able to reject the Fool’s Choice and speak with both candor and safety.
State My Path
As always, start with the heart. What do you really want? Master your story. Are you in a victim, villain or helpless role? Then use STATE:
- Share your facts
- Tell Your Story
- Ask for the other’s path
- Talk tentatively
- Encourage testing
The first 3 are the what. The remaining two are the how.
The “What” Skills
Tell Your Story
This is tricky and can incite defensiveness. But do not leave out the story and merely state the facts. Don’t make the other person guess what is on your mind.
Have the confidence to state your story. Don’t let the story pile on. Master your story! Actively look for safety problems (defensiveness). If there are any, use contrasting (but don’t apologize for your views).
Ask For Others’ Paths
Encourage others to express their facts, stories and feelings. Then listen and be open to change.
The “How” Skills
Talk Tentatively
Examples:
- “I was wondering why…”
- “Perhaps you were …” (uncertainty)
- “In my opinion, …” (opinion, not fact)
The idea is to be confident and invite challenge to your conclusions.
- “The fact is …” becomes “In my opinion …”
- “Everyone knows that …” becomes “I’ve talked to three suppliers who think … “
- “It is clear to me …” becomes “I’m beginning to wonder if …”
You are being soft because you want to get your information into the pool, and not ram it down throats. The more pressure or force you exert, the more resistant people become. The more you speak in absolutes and overstatements, the less your influence.
Do not fake tentativeness, though. If you are unwilling to change your opinion, do not be tentative.
Do not go to the other extreme (wimpiness). Do not preface with disclaimers like “I know this is going to sound like I’m crazy…” Don’t have a doubtful tone. Your language/posture should not indicate a nervous wreck.
Too soft:
- “This is probably stupid, but…”
- “I’m ashamed to even mention this, but…”
- “It’s probably my fault, but …”
- “Maybe I’m just crazy, but …”
Encourage Testing
How you ask others for their path is important. They need to believe you really want to hear their ideas. Invite opposing views:
- “Do you see it differently?”
- “What am I missing here?” (probably better as it is open ended)
- “I’d like to hear the other side of the story.” (also better)
You have to mean it when you ask it.
If you can tell they disagree but are not responding with meaning, play the devil’s advocate: “What if my understanding is wrong? What if it really is…?”
If you’re in authority, people will be extra reluctant. So be even more vigorous at encouraging others to test your view than stating your own view.
Misc
We may have a habit of being forceful with certain people. Any time you find yourself convincing others that your way is best, ask “What do I really want for me/other/relationship?” And then “How would I behave if these were the results I really wanted?” Then you are ready for STATE.
First, learn to look. Are people resisting? Raising their volume? Overstating facts? Silent retreat? When this happens, turn your attention to yourself and your behavior. Are you leaning forward? Speaking loudly? Trying to win? Lengthy monologues?
Second, tone down the approach. Be open to being wrong. Ask others for their views.