How do we put all this into practice? It is daunting. At the first level, focus on two principles: Learning to look and making safety....
This chapter has several common scenarios and advice on each one. Worth a read.
Once everyone has added meaning to the pool (after reaching safety, etc), there is still a need for action. What should we do with this...
Sometimes the problem is that the other person is resorting to silence/violence. What then? One option is to simply make it the other’s...
Share Risky Meaning When it comes to touchy information, the worst is to alternate between blunt and silence (Fool’s Choice). The less...
Claim One: Others don’t make you mad. You make you mad. Claim Two: Once you’re upset, there are only two routes: Act on them or be acted...
If someone says something sarcastic or a side remark, that means they need safety. Do not ask “What is that supposed to mean?” It can...
Most crucial conversations are about two things: Content and emotions. When we get deeply involved in one, we usually focus on only one...
The problem is not that our behavior degenerates. It is that our motives do. In crucial conversations, our motive often changes to...
The Fool’s Choice The Fool’s Choice: When you feel you have only two choices: Silently accept the problem Speak about the problem but...
The Intention Behind The Appreciation Positive judgments are still problematic judgments. Example: “It was kind of you to…” “You are a...
Resolving Internal Conflicts Depression is indicative of a state of alienation from our own needs. Internal thoughts like “should”,...
When The Use of Force is Unavoidable Dialog is great but sometimes the opportunity for dialog may not exist, and force is necessary. The...
Human Connection Creating a connection between the people who are in conflict is the most important thing. The parties need to know from...
Hurting people is one of the weakest ways to express our anger. The goal of nonviolence is not to stifle anger, but to express it in...
Evaluating Ourselves When We’ve Been Less Than Perfect We chastise ourselves in non-constructive ways when we screw up. Shame and guilt...
Empathy That Heals Listening empathically to someone (no advice, etc) can really relieve the other person’s tension. Ending the...
Some people just want to win, and their measure of success is how much you lose. If your goal becomes victory, realize you’re stuck in a...
Obstacles to Agreement The other side may stall: Lack of interest, vague statements, delays, breaking agreements, a flat No! There are...
When the other side doesn’t budge, resist the temptation to counter with your position. “That’s interesting. Why do you want that?” “You...
Do not ignore the emotions while focusing on the problems. You need to defuse them, and you do it by surprise. If they stonewall, they...
Three Natural Reactions We have 3 natural reactions: Striking back Giving in and yielding to pressure Cutting off the relationship Don’t...
Before every meeting, prepare. After every meeting, assess and re-prepare for the next meeting. Do not try to wing it. Mapping Out The...
Five Barriers To Cooperation Your Reaction: You either strike back or give in. Both are damaging. Their Emotion: Anger, hostility, fear,...
Don’t Just Do Something. Stand There! Empathy is emptying our mind and listening with our whole being. The presence that empathy...
. Use positive language when making requests! Example of negative language: Asking someone not to do something. Instead, request what...
Hearing a Negative Message: Four Options What others say or do may be the stimulus of our feelings, but not the cause. When someone...
“I feel that…” When you use “that” after feel, you are likely not revealing your feelings. Adequately expressing feelings is...
Separate the observation from the evaluation. If you say both in one go, people are more likely to interpret it as criticism and resist....
Moralistic Judgments Moralistic judgments are “life-alienating” communications. The focus tends to be on analyzing wrongness then...
The NVC Components: Observations: State the facts Feelings: State your feelings Needs: State your needs connected to your feelings Make...
What If The Other Person is a Bully, Lying, or Trying to Derail While it does happen, most of our evaluations about the other person are...
Step One: Prepare By Walking Through The Three Conversations Stories What’s my story? (information, past experiences, rules?) What’s his...
Most people don’t have the conversation skills. You’ll talk about understanding and they’ll talk about who’s right. You’ll talk about...
Don’t just listen - you need to share your side of the story. Orators Need Not Apply Do not try to be eloquent or witty. Do not try to...
People have a deep desire: To be heard To know that others care enough to listen Listening Transforms The Conversation Mother has...
A bad beginning can crater the conversation. But a good one helps you immensely. Why Our Typical Openings Don’t Help Don’t dive in with...
Pick your battles! You can’t have every difficult conversation you come across. Deciding whether to raise an issue or not torments us....
Difficult Conversations Threaten Our Identity Sometimes the anxiety is not due to facing others, but facing ourselves. The conversation...
Don’t focus on just the objective facts. Feelings have to be part of the conversation. At the same time, having them explode is...
Someone screws up, which causes you to screw up. You can blame him/her explicitly (“You screwed up!”) or implicitly (“Let’s do better...
Intentions strongly influence our judgments. Watch your sentences and notice how often you are attributing intentions to the...
At the heart of the What Happened conversation is a disagreement. Argument is the natural outcome of disagreement. But it is...
You need to understand what people are thinking and feeling, but not saying. Every difficult conversation is really a mix of...
What makes a conversation difficult? Usually it is the fear of consequences. If we avoid the conversation, we feel taken advantage of,...