The problem is not that our behavior degenerates. It is that our motives do.
In crucial conversations, our motive often changes to winning.
In a crucial conversation setting, when you’re feeling tense, before responding or acting, ask yourself this question: What do I really want? Not what it appears I want, but what do I really want? What is my purpose in engaging in this conversation?
Some more specific questions:
- What do I really want for myself?
- What do I really want for others?
- What do I really want for the relationship?
(This list is not comprehensive).
Examine your external behavior. Is it matching what you “really want”? If not, have your motives changed under your feet (e.g. are you now trying to win)?
After answering the questions, ask yourself: How should I behave if I really wanted these results? This helps you take charge of your body (tone, volume, etc).
Next, ask yourself what you really don’t want. This varies with the situation, but an example is not wanting to offend or anger the other person.
Then connect the two with and. As in “I want X, and I don’t want Y”.
Then convert this to a question: “How can I get X and not have Y occur?”
When you do this, you have implicitly rejected the Fool’s Choice.