Claim One: Others don’t make you mad. You make you mad.
Claim Two: Once you’re upset, there are only two routes: Act on them or be acted on by them.
The bad act out their emotions. Often without knowing it.
The good realize they need to control their emotions. So they fake it. They choke down the reactions and do their best to get back to dialogue. This is not a good option. Sentiments leak (sarcastic comment, facial expressions, avoidance behaviors, etc).
The best think their emotions out and choose their emotions. This is not easy.
Between one’s actions and another’s feelings is the story/narrative. The story plays a big role in engendering the feelings. You are in control of your stories.
Stories are why different people respond differently to the same stimulus.
So when you get upset, what story are you telling yourself?
Stories fill in the why and how.
Retrace Your Path
When emotional, slow down and:
- (Act) Ask: Am I in some form of silence or violence?
- (Feel) Get in touch with your feelings. What emotions are helping you act this way?
- (Tell Stories) Analyze your stories. What story created these emotions?
- (See/hear) Get back to the facts. What evidence do I have to support the story?
Notice your behavior: Try to be honest. If your story is such that your behavior is a necessary tactic, you are likely just looking for justifications.
Feelings: Try to be precise - don’t just stick to “afraid”, “unhappy”, etc. And in this book, “cheated on” is a feeling (contrast with NVC).
Analyze your stories: Difficulty: Challenge the illusion that your feeling is the only right emotion. This is hard. Do not confuse stories with facts (evaluations vs facts in NVC).
Get back to the facts: Separate the facts from the story. If others who observed may disagree, then it is likely a story and not a fact.
Common Stories
You can come up with stories that are inaccurate but justify your behavior. Things that excuse your silence or violence. They make you feel good about your actions. Beware of these stories.
The three most common of these:
- Victim Story: This is essentially where you paint yourself as an innocent victim. Now in reality you may be in some part a victim, but the trap is telling yourself a story in a way that avoids your contribution while exaggerating the other’s evils.
- Villain Story: This is where you attribute bad intentions on others. Ultimately, you exaggerate your own innocence but assume the worst about the other. A good indicator is if you label others.
- Helpless Story: This is where you act as if you are powerless to do anything else than what you did. “If I don’t do shout, nothing will get done.” Or “If I spoke up, I’d be in trouble. So I remained silent.” “Look what he made me do!” A common assumption is that the other is unchangeable. It is commonsly used with the Villain Story and often leads to the Fool’s Choice.
Why do we tell these types of stories?
- They match reality and are accurate or/and our behavior may be appropriate.
- They let us off the hook. We don’t want to examine our contribution.
- Sometimes we’ve sold out on some principle, and want to act
consistently with our actions (see the Consistency Principle in
Influence Notes). An example: We are afraid to vocalize our
grievance, but instead just give signals, and then get upset when
others don’t read them. Other common sellouts:
- You believe you should help someone, but do not.
- You believe you should apologize, but do not.
- You believe you should stay late at work to meet a deadline, but do not.
- You say yes when you should have said no. And then you hope no one follows up to see if you keep your commitment.
- You believe you should talk to someone about concerns you have with him/her, but do not.
- You do less than your share and think you should acknowledge it, but say nothing knowing no one else will bring it up either.
- You believe you should respectfully listen to feedback, but instead become defensive.
- You see problems with a plan and think you should speak up, but don’t.
- You fail to complete an assignment on time and believe you should let others know, but don’t.
- You have information that benefits a coworker, but you keep it to yourself.
A useful story creates emotions that lead to healthy action - such as dialogue.
Your stories are incomplete. To transform it into a useful story, get the rest of the story. To do so:
- Turn victims into actors: If you think you are a victim, ask what your contribution was.
- Turn villains into humans: If you are villifying others, ask: Why would a reasonable, rational and decent person do this? This does not mean excusing real villains.
- Turn the helpless into the able. If feeling helpless, return to “What do I really want for me/other/relationship?” This kills the Fool’s Choice. Then ask: “What would I do right now if I really wanted these results, while maintaining the relationship?”