If someone says something sarcastic or a side remark, that means they need safety. Do not ask “What is that supposed to mean?” It can escalate things, and is not building safety.
Once you identify the other party needs safety, the worst thing you can do is ignore that cue. Another poor option is to recognize the safety but water down the content to make the other person feel safer. That’s subverting the goal of the conversation. Do not compromise content for safety and vice versa.
The ideal is to make it safe to have the full blown conversation. Before responding, ask yourself “What do I really want (for myself/others/relationship)?”
Mutual Purpose
Crucial conversations go downhill not because of the content but because of the belief that the intent is malicious.
The first condition of safety is mutual purpose. This means sending signals that you’re working towards a common outcome and you care about their goals, well being, etc.
Signs that mutual purpose is at risk:
- Debate
- Forcing opinions into the pool
- Defensiveness
- Hidden agenda
- Accusations
- Circling back to the same topic
Two questions to ask that tell if mutual purpose is at risk:
- Do others believe I care about their goals?
- Do they trust my motives?
Before you begin, ask the Start With the Heart questions:
- What do I want for me?
- What do I want for the other?
- What do I want for the relationship?
Mutual Respect - The Continuance Condition
You can’t stay in the conversation without mutual respect.
Signs to spot when respect is violated:
- Defending their dignity
- Emotions are the key - they’ll run high. They’ll go from fear to anger, with pouting, name calling, and threats.
Ask yourself: Does the other believe I respect them?
But what if you don’t respect the person? What if (s)he is unreliable? Look to basic humanity - instead of focusing on differences, focus on commonalities. Think of the modified prayer:
Lord, help me forgive those who sin differently than I.
One method to restore mutual respect: Get parties to individually list their goals in the endeavor. You’ll often find a huge set of commonalities.
What To Do Once You Step Out
How do you restore mutual purpose or mutual respect? 3 skills that often work are:
- Apologize
- Contrast
- Create a Mutual Purpose
Apologize
Apologize, but only if you’re sincere and believe you did something wrong. If safety is restored, move on to content. If not, use the next two skills.
Contrast to Fix Misunderstanding
Sometimes people think you insulted them when you didn’t. Do not apologize if you don’t think you did something wrong. That would be disingenuous. No “I’m sorry you feel that way” type apologies.
Contrast with don’t-do statements.
“The last thing I want to do is … I do think your work has been spectacular.”
Do not water down the content to appease, though.
Contrasting can be used both for first aid and for prevention. If you know your content is going to trigger emotions, start with contrast.
Create a Mutual Purpose
Contrasting is not effective if we have different purposes.
- Bad: Ignoring/forcing
- Less bad: Compromising
- Ideal: Use CRIB to create a mutual purpose
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Commit To Seek Mutual Purpose (C): Seriously commit to stay in the conversation until both invent a solution that serves both. Do not fake it just to get what you want. This is hard. We have to stop believing our choice is the best, and be open to third choices.
Verbalize the commitment if the other is intent on winning. Assume they are feeling unsafe.
When stuck in a battle of wills, say “It seems we’re trying to force our views on each other. I commit to keep trying until we have a solution that satisfies both of us.”
Recognize The Purpose Behind The Strategy (R): Essentially, this is about separating positions from interests. When at an impasse, start querying why the other person wants what they want. In the book, position is strategy and interest is purpose.
Invent a Mutual Purpose (I): Once you’ve discovered the interests, you’ll much more easily find mutual purposes. But there will be occasions where the interests are clashing. So then you have to invent a mutual purpose.
Move to broader, more encompassing, goals. One that is more meaningful and rewarding.
Brainstorm New Strategies (B): Once there is safety, brainstorm positions.