Most crucial conversations are about two things: Content and emotions. When we get deeply involved in one, we usually focus on only one or the other.
Generally, others around us will be able to replay the conversation much more objectively than you will. They will know when the conversation became crucial, what things you missed or ignored better than you will.
The longer you go before you realize you’re in a crucial conversation, the deeper the hole you’ll be in. So the first step is to quickly realize you’re in such a conversation. You do this by noticing any of the following:
- Physical symptoms (stomach turning, fists clenched, etc)
- Emotional symptoms (feeling upset, unhappy, etc)
- Behavioral (lots of finger pointing (literal), raised voice, etc).
Once you realize you’re in a crucial conversation, focus on safety. Fear is what prevents information from entering the pool. People do not get defensive due to the content, but due to feeling unsafe. And safety concerns often blind people - they may not properly process both content and emotions. And they may not process the content coming their way.
When people are unsafe, they will either respond with silence or with violence (insults, etc). The real challenge is for you to identify that they are feeling unsafe and respond in a manner that increases safety, and not to react.
Silence is witholding information from the pool. Violence is forcing information into the pool.
Silence is not just being quiet. It could involve verbal games. There are three types of silence:
- Masking: sarcasm and sugarcoating
- Avoiding: This can include changing the topic
- Withdrawing: Exiting the conversation altogether
Violence is anything that tries to convince, compel or control others to your point of view. Different ways:
- Controlling: Cutting people off, speaking in absolutes, overstating facts
- Labeling: Name calling or appealing to stereotypes
- Attacking: Includes belittling and threatening