The Intention Behind The Appreciation
Positive judgments are still problematic judgments. Example:
- “It was kind of you to…”
- “You are a very sensitive person.”
- “You did a good job on … “
Compliments are often judgments - however positive - of others.
These examples reveal nothing of what’s going on with the speaker.
Express appreciation to celebrate, not to manipulate.
The Three Components of Appreciation
- The actions that have contributed to our well being.
- The particular needs of ours that have been fulfilled.
- The pleasureful feelings engendered by the fulfillment of those needs.
You need not follow this sequence, and it is possible to express all of them in one statement or action, or even a simple “Thank you.”
Saying “Thank you” in NVC: “This is what you did. This is what I feel. This is the need of mine that was met.”
Receiving Appreciation
Typical issues when receiving appreciation:
- Do we deserve it?
- Is it to spur productivity or make us do something?
- Are we obligated to live up to it?
Receive appreciation without feelings of superiority or false humility.
The Hunger For Appreciation
Even though we may feel uneasy receiving appreciation, most of us yearn to be recognized and appreciated.
We tend to note what’s wrong rather than what’s right.
Start noticing what others do well!
Ask yourself: What appreciation do you want that will make you jump with joy? Seriously answer that question!
Overcoming The Reluctance to Express Appreciation
If you tell yourself “I’m sure X knows how much I appreciate him…”, you are being reluctant. Likewise with “I can’t do justice to the the depth of appreciation.” Don’t let these hold you back.