Human Connection
Creating a connection between the people who are in conflict is the most important thing. The parties need to know from the start that the goal is not to get the other side to do what they want them to do.
Creating the connection is the toughest part.
The goal is not compromise, but satisfaction.
NVC Conflict vs Traditional Mediation
Traditional: Act as a third head.
NVC: Focus on what the other party needs right now.
NVC Conflict Resolution Steps - A Quick Overview
5 steps:
- Express our needs first.
- Search for the needs of the other - no matter how they are expressing them. If they instead express an opinion, judgment, etc, recognize it and continue the search.
- Verify that we have accurately recognized the other’s needs (e.g. through reflection). If not, continue the search.
- Provide as much empathy as is required to mutually hear each other’s needs accurately.
- Propose strategies for resolving the conflict, framing them in positive action language.
Avoid the use of language that implies wrongness.
On Needs, Strategies, and Analysis
Differentiate between needs, and strategies to satisfy those needs.
Key point: Needs contain no reference to anybody taking any action. Strategies refer to specific actions that specific people may take.
Intellectual analysis is often received as criticism.
It is also a common fall back when we don’t know how to express our needs.
Sensing Others’ Needs, No Matter What They’re Saying
This includes silence, denial, remarks, gestures, etc. Will often involve guessing. That’s OK! Reflect back your guesses until you are correct.
Example: “That’s a stupid question” - perhaps the need is to be understood.
Example: “I don’t want to talk about it” - perhaps a need for protection due to what may occur if it is discussed.
Learn to hear needs regardless of how people express them.
Criticism and diagnoses get in the way of peaceful resolution of conflicts.
I think by “diagnosis” he means diagnosing the other without properly exploring (e.g. “she is irresponsible” or “he is hyperactive”. I assume this is a problem because it prevents exploring needs.
Criticisms, diagnoses, etc often increase self-defensive behavior.
Have The Needs Been Heard?
When one party expresses his needs clearly, it is crucial to determine if the other party heard it! Don’t skip this step.
If they get it wrong (and you are the mediator), express how you heard it and ask again for a reflection.
Empathy To Ease The Pain That Prevents Hearing
Someone may have trouble reflecting back (e.g. due to built up pain). Then empathize with their needs to “loosen” them up.
People often need empathy before they are able to hear what is being said.
After empathy, ask again to reflect back. They may still fail. Repeat several rounds of empathy and requests for reflection until the person gets it right.
Using Present and Positive Action Language to Resolve Conflict
Present Language
After both parties understand the needs, move into strategies.
Use present language: It refers to what is wanted at this moment.
Example: “Would you be willing to…?”
Non-example: “I’d like you to go to the show with me Saturday night.” This is not present. Instead, say “Would you be willing to tell me whether you will go to the show with me Saturday night?” Or “Would you be willing to tell me how you feel about going to the show on Saturday night?”
Using Action Verbs
Focus on what you want, not what you don’t want.
“I’d like you to listen when I talk.” In this context, listen is not an action verb. You have no idea if the other person is listening or not and you’ll end up making a judgment. Instead, request they reflect back.
“I want you to give me the freedom to be whoever I want.” Same problem - you’ll end up with a judgment about the other person on whether they are providing the freedom or not. What is the action?
In both these examples, you’ll end up with a volley of “I do” and “No you don’t”.
Instead, say “When I do something, no matter what I do, tell me that it is OK with you.” This is an action verb, but it makes clear that this is a request that may curtail the other’s freedoms. But now there is something to discuss. This is progress!
Translating “No”
When making a request, be respectful to the other person’s reaction. Do not wear the other person down (i.e. pestering, nagging).
When they say “no”, they’re saying they have a need that keeps them from saying “yes”. What is that need?
NVC and the Mediator Role
If you are the mediator, assure both parties you are not there to take sides, but to support each party in hearing the other, and to help guide to a solution.
The goal is not to get the other person to do what we want them to (as a mediator).
When expressing empathy to one side, the other may accuse you of favoritism. Respond with “first-aid” empathy: “You are annoyed and need assurance you’ll get your side on the table?” Then remind them they will get their turn. Then say: “Are you feeling reassured or would you like more reassurance?” You may need to provide more.
The mediator needs to “keep score”: Ensure both parties express needs, listen to the other, make requests. Keep track of where one party stopped. It can be challenging. Use a board or take notes. A whiteboard makes it visible so both parties are reassured.
Ensure you focus on the present, not the past or the future.
Role Playing and Limited Time
Time may be limited in a session, and you can get bogged down by parties telling their story over and over. To speed this up, role-play: Tell the person you’ll be like them and talk to the other party. Check back with the first person (the “director” to ensure you captured his concerns. Then switch back.
Role playing can be powerful. You role play better if you are in touch with your own needs.
Interrupting
At times, you need to interrupt. Be forceful if necessary. This may anger a party. Apply first aid-therapy. Do not allow an unproductive conversation to continue.
One strategy when interrupting: Ask what the other person said. If they cannot reflect back, empathize (“So you’re feeling so … that you need … “).
The goal of interrupting is to restore the process of observation, identifying and expressing feelings, connecting them to needs, and making doable requests using clear, concrete positive action language.
When People Say “No” To Meeting Face to Face
Meet with one, and role-play the missing person. Record it, and have the missing person listen to the session. If you captured him/her well, (s)he may come the next time.
Informal Mediation: Sticking Our Nose in Other People’s Business
You may need to interfere when not asked to be a mediator (e.g. someone abusing another). When we do, empathize first with the person who has the troublesome behavior. But:
We need to be well practiced at hearing the need in any message.
Do not express your needs until it is clear we have hears the needs of the other. Otherwise they may not care.