Good negotiators label emotions.
Tactical empathy: Understand the needs and feelings behind the other’s mindset. It is not about agreeing with the other.
Labeling
Labeling is a way of validating someone’s emotions by acknowledging it: “It seems like you’re worried that…”
Rarely will the other person respond with “Don’t tell me how I feel!”
Follow this template:
- “It seems like …”
- “It sounds like …”
- “It looks like …”
Do not say “I’m hearing that…” The use of I will get people’s guard up.
If they disagree with it, just say “I’m not saying that’s what it is. It just seemed like that.”
Rarely will people respond with just a “Yes” or “No”. They’ll talk more.
After the label, stop talking! Be silent for a while. Do not expand on what you said. The silence will prompt them.
Use the labeling technique any time you sense an emotion - even in casual conversation.
Neutralize The Negative, Reinforce The Positive
Use labeling to de-escalate an angry person. It makes them acknowledge their feelings instead of acting them out.
Any time you make a mistake, acknowledge it immediately (include an apology if needed). You can say stuff like “Look, I totally screwed up.”
If someone is grumpy, etc - don’t highlight the grumpiness. Start acknowledging the stuff behind it. Use labels.
It is important to speak without judgment.
Example: Someone has not paid. Saying “If you don’t pay, we may have to cancel X”. This language is all about me. It has no empathy, connection, etc. It will not work well. Instead empathize by saying how easy it is to forget to pay, etc.
Clear The Road Before Advertising The Destination
A good tactic for any obstacle. Just keep saying “It seems like…” every few interactions/minutes.
Do an Accusation Audit
Never say “I don’t want to come across as an asshole.” Say “I’m going to come across as an asshole.”
Systematically list every terrible thing the other could say about you (accusation audit). Then start the discussion with “You’re going to think X” or “It seems you feel …” and list an accusation. Itemize all of them up front. Do not necessarily acknowledge them (although you could if they are true). If you list them all, the other party will know you have understood them and their guards will be down.
(You can then ask the other side for help: How would they solve the problem in our shoes?)
Get a Seat and an Upgrade, On a Sold Out Flight
If the person in front of you in line is a real jerk, then when your turn comes, empathize “It seems like he was very upset.” Feel free to use mirrors for the response. Go back and forth! And always remember to use silence. Don’t rush it.
Remember: Often the reasons they don’t want to agree are greater than the reasons they do want to agree. So take care of them first!