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Introduction
Claim: People advance in their career due to technical skills and social skills. The estimate is that 85% of success is due to the latter.
Rockefeller claimed that he valued the ability to deal with people over all other skills.
Weekly Ritual
Once a week, review all the meetings/encounters you’ve had with people. Ask 3 questions:
- What did I do wrong?
- What did I do right? And how can I do it better?
- What lessons can I learn from these?
Criticism
Most people are unwilling to blame themselves for anything. This is because criticism is futile. It makes a person defensive. The focus becomes justifying actions instead of pondering over them. It induces negative feelings (hurt pride, resentment, lack of self worth, etc).
It is rare that one who is criticized changes his/her mind. So limit its use as a tactic. Reprisals are a greater likelihood than humility.
Anger often leads to criticism. So be extra cautious when angry. People remember criticisms for years.
Make the following habit: Whenever the urge hits, criticize yourself first. Never criticize another without doing this.
Criticism has a low cognitive load. Forgiveness and understanding have a higher cognitive load. Don’t take the easy road!
God does not judge until one has lives his life. Are you better than He?
Don’t argue, and don’t correct. If you lose the argument, you lose. If you win the argument, you lose. Don’t disagree with people.
If someone is wrong, then when you respond definitely say things like “I could be wrong.” Don’t have a posture of correcting people. Never tell them they are wrong.
If someone has cause to criticize you, disarm them by criticizing yourself first. Think in advance of all the (valid) reasons to blame you. He does seem to go a bit overboard with this.
Scolding and nagging won’t get you anywhere. If you wish to change/convince someone, be friendly to them.
Before criticizing, ask if you understand why someone behaves as they do. See things from their perspective.
A way to disarm people: “I don’t blame you for how you feel. If I were in your shows I would act the same.” The general idea, though, is to be sympathetic.
People often take criticism after they’ve heard praise (and he had a crappy story to demonstrate this). In any case, be sure you do give praise.
He talks about using “and” instead of “but”.
Give criticism indirectly (e.g. doing the work yourself and then praising the other for doing it - Ugh!)
Talk about your mistakes before criticizing others.
Let the other person save face.
If you want to improve someone in X, act as if he is/was astounding in X (i.e. imply you know he is capable of it). Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
Motivation
You cannot make anyone do anything. They have to want to do it.
Whenever you do something, it is because you want something. Learn to see things from their point of view and frame your requests to benefit them.
Find a way to make them want something that is to your benefit.
Find ways to plant an idea into someone’s head and let them claim it as their own.
Don’t assume people are motivated by money. Sometimes you need to get them into the spirit of competition. So frame it as a challenge, thus giving them the satisfaction of a victory.
Don’t give orders. Ask questions to entice people to act. People work better if they feel they were involved in the decision process.
Make People Feel Important
You have to give people what they want. And one of the most important things a person wants is to believe he/she is important. So find out what makes a person feel important!
A common mistake people make: Criticizing when things are bad but being silent when things are good. You should openly appreciate people. But do not flatter. The difference between appreciation and flattery is the degree of sincerity.
He unfortunately implies one should never criticize, even when asked for feedback!
Give praise, but be specific. Generic praise (“hard worker”) sounds fake. The praise must both be and sound sincere.
Be Interested in Others
Don’t work to get people interested in you. Instead, work to be interested in them. This includes showing enthusiasm when greeting someone.
Don’t fake it, though.
Smile genuinely. Even on the phone. One way to have a cheerful disposition is to focus on your inner thoughts. It is not your external state in life that determines your happiness, but how you think about them.
Remember people’s names. He probably gives this technique too much credit in the stories he tells. Also, learn some basic facts about the person. If a random person (e.g. store clerk) is being curt with you, did you address him/her by name?
Get to know people’s interests! Before meeting someone, spend time (e.g. the night before) to figure these out. Then find ways to inject these into the conversation - preferably at the beginning.
To be perceived as a good conversationalist, focus on listening. Don’t try to contribute. Just draw the other party out in a natural fashion. People must believe you listened to them. Never interrupt.
Let the other person do all the talking! Find ways: Topics of their interest, etc.
Yes vs No
Yes vs No: When someone says “No”, their defenses are up. So find ways for them to keep saying “Yes.”
He gives horrible examples full of leading questions. I must say, this is one item most books get wrong. Only Never Split The Difference got this right: Get people to “No!” quickly, and validate their no. Then their defenses really come down.
Misc
Dramatize your ideas. Merely speaking them may not suffice.