Your mindset should be that of discovery, and extracting as much information as possible. Which is why smart people can be poor at negotiating - they often understand the other person’s side too soon and moves to problem solving. The other person, however, does not realize this and feels the smart person does not care to understand his perspective. The speaker does not get the necessary relief in getting his/her perspective out.
A heuristic: If people overuse personal pronouns (we/the/me/I), they are inflating their importance. In general, the less important one makes himself, the more important they likely are.
Listening is hard. It is easy to be distracted while listening. It is hard to kill the voices in our heads.
Make your whole goal to be listening. Don’t let problem solving creep in. Find out what the other side needs and get them to feel safe enough to keep talking about it.
If the other party is talking, do not rush anything! Keep the pace slow.
The Voice
Your tone is imporant. There are 3 tones you can use:
- The late night FM DJ voice
- The positive, playful voice
- The direct/assertive voice - use this sparingly.
Most of the time, use the positive/playful voice. Be easy going and good natured. Relax and smile, even on the phone.
The FM-DJ voice is a voice of “I’m in control and calm”. Inflect downwards. Sound confident and certain. Use it when something is not up for negotiation (example: “We don’t work for hire.”)
Mirroring
He argues not to worry about the other person’s body language, accent, or even tone. Just mirror the words. Repeat the last 1-3 words of what the other person just said. It works better than positive statements like “Great” or “No problem”.
How to Confront - And Get Your Way - Without Confrontation
You’ll often have to deal with a nasty person at work. Fighting fire with fire will be messy. Instead:
- Use the late night FM-DJ voice
- Start with “I’m sorry…”
- Mirror
- Silence. At least 4s. They’ll usually rephrase their statement.
- Repeat
Steps 2 and 3: It is critical to have an inquisitive tone. The intent should come across as “Please help me understand.” It should convey respect and concern.
Example: “I’m sorry. Two copies?”
Do not ask “What do you mean?” or anything similar directly.